chicken shit

balls! hang over. it sucks. i know. I'm not feeling well now.

(drafted on 30th of April, published on 11th of May)

It's hard 2 forget someone u love

My crazy life had ended. just because of one guy. that I'm head over heels with. Somehow I feel it's a good thing and sometimes I feel it's a bad thing that I'm losing my true me. myself.

I'm depressed all of the time, even my friends could see the changes in me. eyebags. skin breakouts. lord, why am I constantly like this. I knew all the answers 2 my problems but yet, I'm still heading to the wrong way. I feel sick. I can't take it anymore. i hate being shouted at. being yelled at. but all of that is haunting me.

I'm now alone. depressed. lonely. and guess what? I hate telling others the way I feel. I feel it's not nice to constantly find your friends when u feel like breaking out. it is stupid, because they could not do anything to help me.

it's been a while (working period)

my life, my life. it's turning upside down. sitting here in my living room, writing my blog while listening to music. it seems nice to you right? but realitily, i doesn't. somehow, somewhere i feel alone. so empty n hollow i could feel the cold feeling trickling down my neck. i feel numb and even if i smile i cry inside.

i admit i got all the things that i wanted before. but something is missing. i got my bestfriend by my side, but still i'm not that entirely happy. i did feel happy but goshh.. i don't even know how to describe it. i need somebody i think, to put my life in place. that could lead me to a right path.

geez, talking about right path.. man.. i've been wayyy out line in my life. i did things that are not supposed to be done. daymm, this blog is not my diary. i'm telling u guys about my life and it sucks. like i'm humiliating myself falling flat on my face. but nemmind, sometimes it's nice to ventilate all your feelings right. see.. i'm talking thrash right now.

before this i could recall myself being extra creative in writing about somethingelse. but now all i could think of is writing about my life and the way i'm feeling at the moment.

hmm, i'm waiting for my friend to get back so i can have my lunch. it's been a while i did not post anything. kaka had been asking me to update my blog. katenye da berabuk blog i ni.. ha, dah lap ni. tak berabuk dah. ehe, i got no time laa sayang. keje je. where got time meh to sit and write about my feelings. k dah lah, i nak g mandi. dah pukul berapa ni. i shud get my ass off this couch and get a life rather than whining on how unlucky i am in life. GO GIRL!!

fragile

i couldn't feel myself now. i felt numb. i'm blaming myself for being so insecure, so fragile, so thin. that can be invaded by others. i'm so EASY. that's the word. people sees me a strong girl, a strong person from the outershell. but the fact is i'm so damn weak. i cried and i cried. until there's no tears left in me. now i'm feeling hopeless. nobody cares about me and what they would prefer is; listening to others making fake rumors about me. the reason? just trying to ruin others' life. i have changed. truly changed. even me, myself can't handle it. so true. that it proves me in vain. i cannot do anything right. i AM a loser.

boredom kills me mann

i'm damn bored noww.. it kills me to be this way. for one whole day i slept. and now i just woke up. i can't believe i'm a working girl right now. waking up as it is. phew, it's crazy mann. now my life started to sparks like it was never before. and not that it lead to only good things, it leads to unhealthy things too. My life is tipped over. not fully upside down yet. because i know i can put myself together and make things the way it is again. somebody's trying to correct me. I'm fully aware of my mistakes. but what will i do next? will i have the effort to correct my wrong doings? or will i continue to slip in my beautiful mistakes? oh man, i don't know. SHE told me that i will continue to do the same thing again as she was like me before. and THAT scares the hell out of me. am i that easy to be read and judged? DAMMNN.. i'm turning into someone i don't even know.somebody that is so damn selfish and i hate that fact.

regret

sheeshh.. I'm turning into a BIATCH.. ah, i da merepek banyak sgt.enjoy konon. pegi mampos la lamb. over sangat dah. shittt man.. i've totally fucked up this time. at 1st I did things i wanted to do as a revenge of my past experience before. but i did it wrongly man.. damn wrong. damn sick! I'm like, in a whirpool of betrayal right now. trying to pull myself out before i got sucked up too deep and get tangled up in my own wrong way of enjoying myself. damn, it feels like putting urself in a blender and all my senses; my brain.my heart; is liquified to every bit you have. great.. lemme see, i got a fucking bestfriend (girl) that really2 loves me. tapi beb, aku silang die. tapi die buat tak kesah. sebab die sayang aku. does that sounds crazy to you? i did something bad beb. but she don't give a damn! now i realize guys doesn't mean anything to me. friends do! guys.guys.guys. they don't give a fuck to whom they hurt. but, before this i've got back stabbed by my girlfriends. bff. u know what i mean. and now i got another one GIRL friend that really2 trust me and i don't know what to do about it. urghhh, it feels like clawing to ur own skin. the pain is so tremendous it bites you until you're soulless. I AM a soulless fuck compared to her. I didn't thought about her feeling even for one minute before I did the mistake. and yet, she's the one who helped me out from the catastrophy. damn! damn! damn! i miss her so bad here. she's not here for the time being. she gave me strength when i was like the pathetic girl on the earth. jage i mase i saket. and she doesn't even care about herself as long she can see that I'm OK. Godamnit! guys! help me!

after work

I'm back from my flight to labuan. delayed for 1 hour. just because the flight ops cannot find a replacement for the captain. silly. now i'm too bored 2 do anytg. smore my friends are not here. it sucks to be alone. fucker lah. buat aku takde mood. but, out of nowhere, when i did the f&b service, a guy asked me if i once studied in upm. crazy, a passenger knows me. i thought he was a student there, but he has a shop near upm. hahaha. i felt funny. malu seyh. aku tak suke dikenali as a stewardess. i just want to work and earn my own money and then i cud spend it like crazy. payday. stil few days to go. i have lots of things to buy, already placarded on my brain. oh god. i'm a fuckin big spender. fuck. sheeshh.. i'm soo bored. tommorow n d day after tmrow are my off days. but nobody's in the house. great. i'll die bored out of my skull.

phew!!

my goodness..it's been a while i didn't post anything.things have changed. MAJOR change.from college life i'm now working my ass off and spend the money like I never did b4. but, i never felt so free ever in my life! really! omg, b4 this i've been talkin trash about me quitting my study and work. and now suprisingly, I did! super nicely done. but, somehow i'm turning into a wild biatch. maybe my working life is taking toll on me. but i'm so young and free right? who cares? i'll live my life as i wanted.

a lazy nite

It's 1:32 am, and still, I can't sleep. btw, he's adorable don't u think so? he's out with his friends right now. And here I am without him watching dvds with my cat Grey. I don't know why I put this picture here. guess I'm a lil lonely here. blech, come on lamb.. lonely?

yeah.. yeah.. I admit it. Maybe I miss him.. yeah right, I do miss him. a LOT actually. even that I did went out with him yesterday. I just can't stop missing him. blah..blah..blah, I know what u're guys thinking. but spare me your comments. I just don't need it.

I'm an insomniac, I think. I just can't sleep at night. and I can only sleep during the day. maybe I need drugs. yeah.. I need drugs to help me sleep well. Anybody? anybody knows any good sleeping pills? That surely can put me to sleep. by the way, it's my fingers are writing right now. not my brain. It's malfunctioning right now. and I bet it is, ecause I couldn't sleep right now. even after i had a glass of warm milk. it doesn't work at all. damn, it does get me want to go the toilet now.

okay, I better stop right now, or else my blog will me a diary of mine. I better sleep. ah, different days, same old SHIT.

*phew!* What a crazy night!

I just got back. Me and boyfriend went out to watch TRANSFORMERS. Damn, it was a good movie. You guys should watch it. Great action scenes, freakin cool robots, and so do the cars. Man, that was the greatest movie that I've watched this year! it's crazy! how did they made a film that was so freakin awesome? geezz..

Optimus Prime as a truck(a very niceee truck), Bumblebee as a Camaro(I want one just like that!), Jazz - a Pontiac(how cool was that?), Ironhide as a pick-up truck and last but not least Ratchet; a hummer(great one!) It was so cool when the autobots transform. So freakinnn' cool! Not to forget that annoying Frenzy the Decepticon. But it is cute though, with that squeaky voice and disguising itself as a CD player. So cute even it is not on the good guys' side. ;) but the funny thing is my boyfriend fell asleep while watching the movie. Maybe he's too tired. Poor him. He was so excited to watch the movie but he slept during the final fights between the Autobots and the Decepticons. What a waste. But I can't blame him. He's just so tired for not sleeping well. Anyway, the movie was good. Our night ended up crazy(baby, it was brave, but MAD!). So now I'm back home safely, and he went 'lepak'ing with his friends at mamak stall. And I'm here with my half-closed eyes, finishing my post for today, and yeah.. I want to sleep soon after I finished writing. Hope I get to sleep well and wake up early tommorow or else my dad will get mad at me. Bonne nuit !

It's 4am, and this is what i got

It was late at night and I couldn't sleep. So as usual I sit on the chair by my desk, and start to wander around the table if I got something to get my fingers busy. So, as u can see here. That's what I did get in return. Pathetic is it? So lame. Everytime I got a pen and a paper. That's what came out. It's not from my brain. It was from my fingers! I started drawing stupid things. Like that man with no eyes and snake-like tongue. What the hell am I thinking? The worst thing is. The phrase, love.angel.music.baby. is the biggest sign among others. Sick isn't it. And also, what the hell was the STOP sign's for? Man, this is the stupidest things I had ever done since all my works. I never kept my work for myself. I love giving it to people. But not this piece. I'm going to keep it as a rememberance of my stupidity. *belch* excuse me :)

I miss him

I miss him. I miss his Bambi eyes pleading to me when he wants to sleep on my lap. Whenever I'm on the couch watching tv, he always fidget itself beside me. His soft fur really made me miss him. He left us last year. He got this virus, and suddenly he's gone. I remember the day when he got so sick from the virus, and his saliva was drooling averywhere; that includes my lap. Me and my sister brought him to a vet. He got a shot and the vet told us maybe he got viruses in him but she can't do anything as he never got a shot from any vet. After that we went home, and just for half an hour of difficult breathing, he was a goner. my brother buried him at the back of our house. I didn't cry as I'm not such weenie (I did cried a bit *sniff*). But since that day, I miss him a lot. Especially today when my other cat fidget itself beside me to watch tv with me. Duh, it's only a cat. And so what? I miss him like hell!

It's been a while (sound pollution)

It's been a while now I didn't posts anything. It's just I'm so lazy to post one ;) Gosh! the pilling sounds at the back of my house does get to my nerves! Can't they be anymore louder? Making me deaf anytime sooner. hmm, my life is going upside down now. But does anyone cares about it? Maybe I'll end it sooner. Depression isn't always good. Suicide is better? Lemme see.. It's an easy choice between two. But I'm going to stick to one decision right now. And I ain't going to tell anyone about it. haha. Crazy me. hmm, my friends.. they've been supportive all the time being. But I didn't get any chance of meeting them. Ayyat, especially. Now it's almost at the end of the holiday. And I didn't get to meet her not once. Ika, she's going to continue her study oversea in September. Gosh, just a few more months to go. Seri, it's okay. I always meet her now and then. Ainnaa is going back to Malaysia anytime soon from Russia. It's been a while I didn't meet her. Anyway, Zeera is back from NZ. But still, I didn't get a chance to meet her. Maybe I'll ask my mum to drop me by her house when she's off to work. -->On the 7th of July, my school is taking part in the international Band Comp. I think so. Natra ask me to go there. So does all my school mates. Can't believe to see my juniors in the flock of the band. I'm not sure I'm going or not. But if I'm going, I'll go with my boyfriend. I want him to be with me. Well, it's just it for now. Till then.

*yawn* I hate being bored, it sucks and I hate being hated. but this is only my opinion, no one else ever seems to really care all that much what i think. oh well, we move on...

oh yeah, i understand

Uhh yess I understand the whole thing about life. Now shut up. Dang its too crowded in my life. Get out everyone. I need to do some mind cleaning soo let me just let every thing out here. LIFE is soooo borring.. blech. I hate my page. Luv my blog. yaya! I'm all perky for once! Uh huh yeah I know I don't make any sense. Well this is a blog. Brought to you by blogger.com. Wait.. Why am I blabbering?

Hey should I really take my friends advice, "go fly girl!" What they meant was me, moi, to be a stewardess a.k.a. flight attendant. So that I can finally go to France; my 1st holiday destination. Then a chance to go anywhere in this world for a working stint? Is it empty dreams or should I do it? The problem is I am so not in the mood now, for doing anything. I feel lazy. Everyday is the lame old same, I woke up, watch tv, laze, mope. spirits down. Not like last year. I recall I was more chirpy last year. why ah? Could taking supplements help? I read that evening primrose oil is good for pms, mild depression. Will it help me or am I beyond help? Man I don't know.

Or maybe I can rearrange my study and go for masters? But that sounds so dull. I even thought of taking a sewing class. So that I can sew my own clothes. those in the market now are so awfully dull. In case I lose my job, I can still make a living selling my clothes. Good idea isn't it? yaya! what the..??!

The thing is, I know that the possibilities are endless, but I just need to get off my butt and do it.

Speaking of which my buttt is in danger of getting flabby if I don't do anything about it soon. I better get up and do something.

Oh well, I have nothing else to say as at now. Hope i achieve something by the next entry. Byee..

Materialistic

Materialista. Materialism. Materialist. Everyone consider it to be bad as they picture it a materialist tend to consider material possessions or MONEY and physical comfort as more important than spiritual values. It is bad. It is disgusting. But how do you not care about it as people nowadays can buy happiness with money. And through it the comfort lies. People tend to be nice to get money, and sometimes they act nice just because of money. Those grey stuffed people, full of smoky hatred yelled about us being a materialist. Can u spot it, people who loves us, cared for us. They give us comfort, sacrifices anything not just spiritually; all of their possessions, just to make us happy. And those who doesn't, they just ignore us playing blind and deaf just avoiding from providing anything to us. Them, them who spoke about materialism, cursing about how bad are we as materialist in a world where it's hard to explain as it is hard to breathe in this smoky lounge of misanthropy. I am a materialist, but not a gold-digger. A materialist that experience love from materials not spiritually. A girl that never experience love perfectly. Parental love. I've never been appreciated. All my effort seems useless. Only God's know what I've been through and what are ME and my siblings are living through. Imagine life of a stray cat. Being fed, not loved. It's painful. It's a pathetic life. As I want to end it. But my guardian angels is here. I have two of them. One is in heaven right now, looking down to me from above. And one is right here with me, being my lover, my best friend, and my soul mate. For an eternal happiness shall I continue my life and be happy to make it better.

REFLECTIONS

Great, isn't it?

the greatest of all

And now I will show you the most excellent way:

If I speak in tongues of human and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give up all I possess and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient; love is kind; it does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are lives, they will pass away; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge it will pass away. For we know in part and we breathes in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I grew up, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection, then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.

heroes?

HEROES, what a great show. At first ayinn recommended it to me. For just a few episodes I get sooo hooked with the show. Then my boyfriend said that he got nearly the entire episodes, and he got them burned on a dvd for me. After that my midnight movies was heroes. Watching them episodes by episodes until my notebook got so hot from playing the dvd. I just can't resist Milo, as he's Peter Petrelli in the show. He's hot. really2 hot. He reminded me of the show he's in before this; Gilmore Girls. He played Rory's rebellious boyfriend Jess. He's cute! ah! He also appears as Fergie's love interest in Fergie's music video 4 her single "Big Girls Don't Cry". U guys should watch it. Especially for Milo's die hard fan. He got these tatoos in the video clip, and he looked awesome! Who can resist this quiet, cute guy with the smouldering gaze of charm? Tell me!

Sylar, a.k.a. the villain in this show. He kills people, cutting their head open and eats their brain. What a psychopath?! That doesn't disgust me from watching the show. By the way, I just love how the show works. We can't predict anything for the next episodes. That glued my ass on the couch to continue watching the show. The show is the best since The OC. Agreeing with me guys? :) Anybody? Niki Sanders, that's the coolest chick ever. I want to be hot like her, and I want to be slim like her. Geez, that would be hard. Well, the shows ended with a stupid ending for the first season. How stupid is it, that not a single person realize about Sylar? Dammit! But that makes the show to be continued further, anyway right? i just can't wait for the second season!

blonde redhead

My boyfriend discovered a band that really captures me. Blonde Redhead. With a Japanese lead singer and two twins brother, can anything be anymore cooler than that? I just love Kazu (the lead singer) as she has this high, eerie voice which hovers over melodic guitar riffs and clockwork drum beats. Really cool. And she's hot too. An Asian chick who plays guitar and IS the lead singer of an indie rock band; geez.. I want to be like her. Nice musics, great lyrics. It's like ecstasy listening to their records. I just heard some of their songs, just a few of them. But I fell in love with the soulful voice and fuck, why didn't I discovered them earlier?! It's just a waste of art dammit! Melody is my favourite piece from the band. Maybe there's tons of their records that are good but I didn't have the chance to listen to it. They've released an album this year; 23, damn I didn't heard any of it yet. Maybe sooner or later I'll search for it.Hey guys, listen to them. They're fuckin' good!