October 30, 2008

It's hard 2 forget someone u love

My crazy life had ended. just because of one guy. that I'm head over heels with. Somehow I feel it's a good thing and sometimes I feel it's a bad thing that I'm losing my true me. myself.

I'm depressed all of the time, even my friends could see the changes in me. eyebags. skin breakouts. lord, why am I constantly like this. I knew all the answers 2 my problems but yet, I'm still heading to the wrong way. I feel sick. I can't take it anymore. i hate being shouted at. being yelled at. but all of that is haunting me.

I'm now alone. depressed. lonely. and guess what? I hate telling others the way I feel. I feel it's not nice to constantly find your friends when u feel like breaking out. it is stupid, because they could not do anything to help me.

May 30, 2008

it's been a while (working period)

my life, my life. it's turning upside down. sitting here in my living room, writing my blog while listening to music. it seems nice to you right? but realitily, i doesn't. somehow, somewhere i feel alone. so empty n hollow i could feel the cold feeling trickling down my neck. i feel numb and even if i smile i cry inside.

i admit i got all the things that i wanted before. but something is missing. i got my bestfriend by my side, but still i'm not that entirely happy. i did feel happy but goshh.. i don't even know how to describe it. i need somebody i think, to put my life in place. that could lead me to a right path.

geez, talking about right path.. man.. i've been wayyy out line in my life. i did things that are not supposed to be done. daymm, this blog is not my diary. i'm telling u guys about my life and it sucks. like i'm humiliating myself falling flat on my face. but nemmind, sometimes it's nice to ventilate all your feelings right. see.. i'm talking thrash right now.

before this i could recall myself being extra creative in writing about somethingelse. but now all i could think of is writing about my life and the way i'm feeling at the moment.

hmm, i'm waiting for my friend to get back so i can have my lunch. it's been a while i did not post anything. kaka had been asking me to update my blog. katenye da berabuk blog i ni.. ha, dah lap ni. tak berabuk dah. ehe, i got no time laa sayang. keje je. where got time meh to sit and write about my feelings. k dah lah, i nak g mandi. dah pukul berapa ni. i shud get my ass off this couch and get a life rather than whining on how unlucky i am in life. GO GIRL!!

May 13, 2008

fragile

i couldn't feel myself now. i felt numb. i'm blaming myself for being so insecure, so fragile, so thin. that can be invaded by others. i'm so EASY. that's the word. people sees me a strong girl, a strong person from the outershell. but the fact is i'm so damn weak. i cried and i cried. until there's no tears left in me. now i'm feeling hopeless. nobody cares about me and what they would prefer is; listening to others making fake rumors about me. the reason? just trying to ruin others' life. i have changed. truly changed. even me, myself can't handle it. so true. that it proves me in vain. i cannot do anything right. i AM a loser.

May 10, 2008

boredom kills me mann

i'm damn bored noww.. it kills me to be this way. for one whole day i slept. and now i just woke up. i can't believe i'm a working girl right now. waking up as it is. phew, it's crazy mann. now my life started to sparks like it was never before. and not that it lead to only good things, it leads to unhealthy things too. My life is tipped over. not fully upside down yet. because i know i can put myself together and make things the way it is again. somebody's trying to correct me. I'm fully aware of my mistakes. but what will i do next? will i have the effort to correct my wrong doings? or will i continue to slip in my beautiful mistakes? oh man, i don't know. SHE told me that i will continue to do the same thing again as she was like me before. and THAT scares the hell out of me. am i that easy to be read and judged? DAMMNN.. i'm turning into someone i don't even know.somebody that is so damn selfish and i hate that fact.

April 20, 2008

regret

sheeshh.. I'm turning into a BIATCH.. ah, i da merepek banyak sgt.enjoy konon. pegi mampos la lamb. over sangat dah. shittt man.. i've totally fucked up this time. at 1st I did things i wanted to do as a revenge of my past experience before. but i did it wrongly man.. damn wrong. damn sick! I'm like, in a whirpool of betrayal right now. trying to pull myself out before i got sucked up too deep and get tangled up in my own wrong way of enjoying myself. damn, it feels like putting urself in a blender and all my senses; my brain.my heart; is liquified to every bit you have. great.. lemme see, i got a fucking bestfriend (girl) that really2 loves me. tapi beb, aku silang die. tapi die buat tak kesah. sebab die sayang aku. does that sounds crazy to you? i did something bad beb. but she don't give a damn! now i realize guys doesn't mean anything to me. friends do! guys.guys.guys. they don't give a fuck to whom they hurt. but, before this i've got back stabbed by my girlfriends. bff. u know what i mean. and now i got another one GIRL friend that really2 trust me and i don't know what to do about it. urghhh, it feels like clawing to ur own skin. the pain is so tremendous it bites you until you're soulless. I AM a soulless fuck compared to her. I didn't thought about her feeling even for one minute before I did the mistake. and yet, she's the one who helped me out from the catastrophy. damn! damn! damn! i miss her so bad here. she's not here for the time being. she gave me strength when i was like the pathetic girl on the earth. jage i mase i saket. and she doesn't even care about herself as long she can see that I'm OK. Godamnit! guys! help me!

March 22, 2008

after work

I'm back from my flight to labuan. delayed for 1 hour. just because the flight ops cannot find a replacement for the captain. silly. now i'm too bored 2 do anytg. smore my friends are not here. it sucks to be alone. fucker lah. buat aku takde mood. but, out of nowhere, when i did the f&b service, a guy asked me if i once studied in upm. crazy, a passenger knows me. i thought he was a student there, but he has a shop near upm. hahaha. i felt funny. malu seyh. aku tak suke dikenali as a stewardess. i just want to work and earn my own money and then i cud spend it like crazy. payday. stil few days to go. i have lots of things to buy, already placarded on my brain. oh god. i'm a fuckin big spender. fuck. sheeshh.. i'm soo bored. tommorow n d day after tmrow are my off days. but nobody's in the house. great. i'll die bored out of my skull.

March 5, 2008

phew!!

my goodness..it's been a while i didn't post anything.things have changed. MAJOR change.from college life i'm now working my ass off and spend the money like I never did b4. but, i never felt so free ever in my life! really! omg, b4 this i've been talkin trash about me quitting my study and work. and now suprisingly, I did! super nicely done. but, somehow i'm turning into a wild biatch. maybe my working life is taking toll on me. but i'm so young and free right? who cares? i'll live my life as i wanted.